Shadows

I awoke this morning, reluctantly, by degrees, in shadows, solidifying but not clear about who I was.  A familiar anxiety hung in the air, partly sponsored by dreams, the anxiety that I wasn’t real; that I didn’t really exist; that I had never even been to school.  Or if I had been in school then I had been unable to learn anything.  I felt like someone in a literate society who has failed to learn to read.  There was something basic in which I had failed to qualify so that I couldn’t actually be a meaningful part of how things were; I had this feeling, the same old feeling, but in this instance the anxiety seemed beneficial, something to relax into.  I was not clear who I was and really I didn’t know where I was either, but what did it matter?  So a fragile momentary state that I found I could linger on in, like a mood, replaced waking up.  What house was I in?  Did it have a stairs?   Was it a flat?  How were the rooms positioned?  Who was in it?  I didn’t know but found it a kind of benefit; for it seemed quite enough to know I didn’t know.  It felt interesting enough to look into the fact itself, that I should be in this state to begin with; it was curious.  

Not to have answers seemed a better bet then to be back in a world of actuality pinned to facts that failed to consolidate me.

Tags: Identity